This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
