i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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