The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
