Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I love having hate sex.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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