Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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