My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
