Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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