Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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