she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
