you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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