He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize