i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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