apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Randomize
