Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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