seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
