Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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