I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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