so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
