Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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