I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
