there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
