we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
