I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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