I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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