I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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