First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
