did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Small penises have feelings too.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
