My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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