I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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