yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
