i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
