It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize