why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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