he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
