Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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