No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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