if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I need a beard to bite.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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