i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
