I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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