dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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