Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
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