i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
