just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
