Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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