she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
