she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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