I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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