Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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