The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
