true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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