ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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