sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm too high and old for this...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
