o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
