Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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