I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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