Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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